The Tinder Incident
by ALadyofStardust
Summary: In which Sarah decides Jareth getting Tinder will get him off her back (it does not). **Part of the Apartment-verse. Please see my profile for story order**


**Notes:** This is set after the events of Reckless and before the other fics in this series. However it is not necessary to read them before this chapter.

* * *

Sarah was sure she'd done it this time. She had the perfect solution to her problem. It was a wonder she hadn't thought of it before.

After the incident she was referring to as the valentines day massacre, (what was killed more soundly, her logic or her sanity, both were strong contenders), Sarah had been avoiding being alone in the same room with Jareth. Anytime he attempted to drop by Sarah would either bolt out the front door or pretend to be on her phone. There was only so many times Jareth was going to believe she was on hold with her cable provider and running out of the building without shoes was getting old fast.

She hadn't dared tell her friends what had happened. It wasn't her proudest moment and also it was going to be the very last time anything like that ever happened so really, what was the point in mentioning it? No point at all she'd reasoned.

Especially now that she'd come up with her brilliant solution.

Jareth, was obviously bored and lonely if he was spending so much time hanging out with her. Ergo, he needed someone who wasn't her to spend time with. She'd never seen another lady Underground so it was possible that the only reason Jareth, was so hellbent on pursuing her was due to a lack of other options. So she'd give him options.

This time when Jareth stepped through her mirror, she was ready.

"Here," she said, tossing him a phone.

He caught it deftly in one hand without taking his eyes off her.

"It's a phone before you ask. My old one. It still works and it's in relatively good condition."

"Hello Jareth," he replied, annoyed. "So nice to see you. Sorry I've been all but jumping out my window to avoid you for the last three weeks. It was rude and childish of me."

"I've been busy," Sarah said, blushing. "Besides, I come bearing gifts and I know how much you like gifts."

Jareth turned the phone over in his hands.

"This is not a phone."

Sarah rolled her eyes and turned the screen on.

"Welcome to the 21st century, this is a phone now."

Jareth looked alarmed at the bright light from the screen.

"Thank you for the gift Sarah but I admit I have little use for a telephone."

"Oh that's the best part," she said. "The phone isn't the gift, I mean it is, because you should really get into the habit of calling before coming over."

"So that you have time to grab your shoes before running away from me?"

"The gift is what's on the phone," Sarah said, ignoring his dig. She was determined to rise above. "You, buster, are getting yourself on Tinder."

"What in the stars is a Tinder?" Jareth asked his voice dripping with disdain.

"It's an app, err, a program that goes on the phone. You put up some photos, write a little bio and swipe through other people's profiles until you find someone you like. If you like them you chat and then if it's still going well you go on a date."

It was slight, but Sarah definitely saw Jareth's face fall.

"Ah, I see." he said calmly. "Well I appreciate the gesture Sarah but I'm sorry I'm uninterested."

"Tough," she said, plowing past his dismissal. "I'm not letting this go until you at least talk to some women. Ideally I'd like you to go on at least one date."

"Is this about what happened before? So quick to fob me off to the next girl Sarah?" Jareth asked accusingly.

Sarah had figured he'd take this approach. She wished he'd just do what she wanted for once, but she knew going in that was unlikely and decided that the best course of action was to rip the bandaid off.

"Yeah it's about the kissing thing. You know I'm not…we're not doing that Jareth. We can be friends. We can do the friend thing. But that was a big step for me and while you haven't been the worst friend -"

"I have been an excellent friend," Jareth cut her off.

"Friends don't go around kissing each other!" Sarah protested.

"They could," Jareth said stepping closer. "It wasn't terrible was it?"

Sarah felt her face flush again. Dammit, this was not going at all the way she planned.

"They won't," she said, pushing back against his chest trying to keep some distance between them. Things always seemed to get sticky every time they forgot the whole personal space bit. "Jareth, I'm serious, we're doing this. I'm going to find you a girl who is a better fit for you. Someone who digs the whole otherworldly king schtick and who doesn't argue with you all the time. Maybe someone who doesn't mind your tendency to bog everything that pisses you off and can get down with your truly awful dancing."

Jareth looked slightly offended and Sarah wasn't sure if that was in regard to being dragged kicking and screaming into the world of online dating or the insult to his dancing skills.

"Jareth, come on be serious. I make you miserable. Even if I don't now I will eventually. Hell, I can tell I'm making you miserable right now. Don't you want someone who makes you happy?"

"I do want someone who makes me happy," he said seriously.

"Right so then this is perfect. There's a ton of women in this city, one of them is bound to be a good fit."

Sarah took the phone out of his hands.

"The good news is, I already set up a profile for you. The bad news is, I'm not letting you touch this thing until I'm sure you won't break it like the dvd player."

"That was one time," Jareth grumbled.

"Purple. Smoke." Sarah said, opening the app. "Now for your bio I just wrote that you live on your own just outside the city and run your own business and have a lot of pets'.

"Pets?" Jareth said, his lip curling in disgust. "I do not have pets Sarah."

"You've got about 50 goblins running in and out of your home at any given time not to mention the chickens. Might not be pets in the traditional sense but they'll still chew through your clothes and leave their feathers everywhere. Also girls love pets. We'll say you have cats."

"Sarah this is preposterous - " Jareth started before Sarah cut him off.

"Also I filled it out with a few pictures I had lying around of you but uh, no full body shots. Trust me on this one," she said, scrolling through the photos.

"Where did you get these? They're awful. Especially that one with the green jacket holding the crystal. I look like a ridiculous pantomime."

She was about to say something about shoes that fit, but the fact that he was even considering how he looked was a good sign.

"Fine I'll delete that one. Also I didn't really know what to put for your age so I just said 35 since that's about what you pass for."

Jareth looked at the profile critically.

"I suppose that will do," he said grudgingly.

"Great!" Sarah clapped him on the shoulder. "Then let's get swiping!"

She crashed into her couch and patted the seat for Jareth to join her. Sighing heavily, he slowly wandered over and sat down beside her. Closer than she would have liked but she reasoned that he needed to see the phone.

"Okay so how it works is, you tell me if you like a girl and then I'll swipe right on her. If you don't like her then I'll swipe left. If you get a match just tell me what to say and I'll send her a message."

Sarah began flicking through the girls on the app. She ended up swiping right on most of them despite Jareth's protests. So far he hadn't been able to offer even one girl he thought was cute which Sarah knew was crap. If he wanted to be difficult fine. But she was getting him a date. Predictably, he had a high match percentage.

"So you're saying I'm attractive?" Jareth preened when she told him.

Sarah rolled her eyes.

"You know you're attractive. You got a lot of faults Jareth, but looks isn't one of them. Though I still think a bit of an ease up on the teasing comb would do wonders."

"I've told you they're elf knots," he replied, still pleased with himself.

"Oh look! A girl messaged you!" She was a very pretty brunette who mentioned working as a vet and enjoyed yoga. Sarah took another glance at her photos. She really was very pretty. Maybe too pretty for Jareth. After all how would they manage fighting over the mirror in the morning?

"Well what did she say," Jareth prodded.

"Right yes," Sarah said, snapping back to reality. "She's asking if you have an Instagram."

Jareth threw his hands up in the air.

"And what pray tell is an Instagram?"

"It's an app people use to share pictures," she said quickly replying that no he didn't have an Instagram. Who asks that as their opening question anyways? Super rude. No 'hi how are you' or anything. Sarah had already written this girl off.

"I thought this little game was for sharing photos."

"No this is for dating based on photos. Instagram is where you post other photos."

"What is the point of Instagram then?"

"No one knows really," Sarah said, idly returning to her swiping game. She was going to be more careful about who she picked out. She didn't want to set him up with someone wrong for him. She wanted him to be happy. "Do you want an Instagram? I can set it up for you."

Jareth wrinkled his nose.

"What would I take photos of?" he asked.

"Well," she said, thinking. "Lots of people just take photos of themselves called selfies. You could take pictures of you hanging around the castle. Or first thing in the morning. Hashtag it 'woke up like dis' or 'no makeup'. A nice valencia filter and you're golden."

The idea of Jareth on Instagram blogging out his day with selfies was too entertaining a thought to pass up. Privately, she resolved to make him an account anyways. The peacock wouldn't be able to resist and she'd have something to look forward to her on feed other than endless photos of avocado toast and crossfit gym shots.

"I never wear makeup Sarah," he pouted. "They are faerie markings to denote me as a fae of high importance and power, something you seem to be forgetting."

"Not forgetting, just don't care," she said dismissively. "Besides if you don't wear makeup then where the hell did my new liquid eyeliner end up? One minute it was on my dresser and the next poof. As in glitter poof. As in I'm sure if I went into your bedroom I'd find it on your dresser."

"Must have been the goblins," he muttered, but Sarah was pretty sure he was the one who'd sent them.

"Hmm must be," she said, peering over at his perfect winged liner. "Oh another message!"

This one was from a blonde. Who just had that she 'loves to laugh' and if you want to know anything 'just ask' in her bio. Sarah could not remember why she's swiped right on her. She took a quick look at the message.

"Nevermind, it's nothing," she said, closing the conversation.

"No, what did she say Sarah," said Jareth, leaning over to see. "What is that purple thing?"

"That's an eggplant emoji. Trust me, she's not the girl for you," Sarah said, waving him off her.

"Well on that we can agree at least, but what is an eggplant emoji?"

"Uh it means she … actually why don't we just keep looking hmm?"

"No, that is not an answer," he said, poking her in the ribs. "What does that mean?"

"Ow, hey! It means she wants to have sex with you. Or at least a photo of your penis," Sarah said grudgingly.

Jareth looked taken aback.

"A photo of my - for what possible purpose?"

"No purpose. Hence why we're moving on," Sarah said, looking through his matches. None of these were at all right for him. Honestly, a city this big there had to be a girl nearby who would work.

"Well what if I wanted to sleep with her?" Jareth challenged.

Sarah shook her head.

"Nope that's not what we're here for. We're trying to find you a long term companion. Someone who you can spend time with at the end of the day. Compatibility, a relationship - an eggplant emoji does not lead to that. Maybe I should change your bio…"

"Perhaps I don't want that. Perhaps I would just like to sleep with as many of these eggplant emoji sending women as possible, have you considered that?" Jareth asked.

"Yeah but you don't want that," Sarah said, trying to shut down the conversation. She quickly unmatched the eggplant girl.

"How do you know what I want Sarah?"

Sarah turned to look at him suddenly very annoyed.

"Is that what you want? To just have sex with any pretty girl who's interested? With me or anyone else it doesn't matter as long as you're getting what you want?" The words tumbled out of her mouth before she could stop them. What was she saying? Of course he could have sex with this girl if he wanted. He could have sex with anyone he wanted. This had nothing to do with her.

"No, not you, never you," he said seriously. He reached out a hand to brush her hair back from her face but Sarah pulled away.

"Okay good, because that's not happening." She couldn't look at him right now. Why had she said that?

"Do you really see sex as this sacred affair?" he teased her gently.

"No it's not that. It's not like I haven't - I mean, it's not like I see it as this great thing or….I don't know I'm just saying I didn't think…I thought with you it'd be different," she finished lamely.

"Different for me or different with me?" Jareth prodded.

"For you." Sarah said quickly. "With you is not … it's never been on the table."

"Is that so?"

"Yep. It's so far off the table it's on the floor."

"Well…I could work with that," he purred.

She was blushing again. Dammit how did he always manage to do that?

"Anyways," she said, changing the subject. "Let's get back to it. Finding you a partner for … whatever."

"Well what about this young lady who I appear to have just matched with," he said, pointing to at the match screen that had just popped up.

Sarah pulled up the girl's profile so he could see.

"She is a doctor," he said impressively.

"Which means she won't have a lot of time to date," Sarah countered.

"Also she's a member of something called the Daughters of the American Revolution."

"So she's a WASP who grew up rich," she replied.

"I would like to send her a message," Jareth stated.

"Alright," Sarah said, swallowing thickly. "What do you want to say?"

"Any suggestions?" he asked her.

"Oh wait, no need, she just messaged you." Sarah said, clicking on the message. "She wants to know if the get-up is cosplay. Which is a thing where you dress up as a character, sort of like a costume."

Jareth scoffed.

"Tell her that my clothes are made from the finest designers in the Goblin Kingdom."

"Or alternatively, I could just say yes and not out you as a supernatural being from another dimension just yet," Sarah replied, typing out for Jareth that he was into an 80s steampunk thing. Which, close enough really.

"Well then at least tell her I find her quite lovely and appreciate her smile."

"Do you?" Sarah said, casting a look at him.

"Oh yes vey much so, she's very beautiful don't you agree?" Jareth said lightly.

Sarah shrugged.

"Yeah I mean, if you're into that."

"Well I am 'into that'," replied Jareth.

"She responded," Sarah said, glancing at the screen. "She says thank you that's very sweet. Wants to know if you'd like to get dinner sometime."

The last bit took Sarah off guard. She didn't expect them to jump to a date so quickly.

"Tell her I'd be delighted to escort her to the establishment of her choosing," Jareth said with a smirk.

"Are you sure you're ready for that?" Sarah challenged. "I mean, when was the last time you went on a date with a human girl?"

Jareth looked thoughtful for a moment.

"I suppose you're right. It has been some time."

"Exactly," Sarah said, relieved.

"But I know you'd like me to find a partner Sarah."

"Yep absolutely," she said, looking back down at the phone considering the matches he'd gotten so far.

"And you have been terribly helpful regarding this … program."

"Anytime," she replied. He really did have too many of them. Too many choices can make some people indecisive and it was better if she only kept the really good ones.

"So then you're willing to do whatever it takes to ensure I meet the woman of my dreams?" he asked.

"Tinder, Bumble, Hinge - whatever it takes."

"Good, then you'll help me prepare for this date by showing me how to behave like a human man and how a human woman would act."

"I can definitely coach you," she said, idly unmatching all the unsuitable girls.

"Excellent," Jareth said, clapping his hands together. "Then I'll pick you up for our practice date at seven tomorrow evening. Wear something fetching."

"Wait what?" Sarah said, snapping her head back up from the screen.

"Thank you Sarah," he said, plucking the phone out of her hands. "You've really been most helpful. I certainly could not have done this without you."

"That's not what I meant!" she sputtered. But he was already walking back towards the kitchen.

"I'll see you tomorrow evening. Don't worry, it's on me this time," he grinned before vanishing through the mirror.

"No wait!" she called too late. "Goddammit."

She slumped back into the couch. This had not gone at all according to plan. Also he was definitely going to fry that phone. Sarah groaned pulling a pillow over her face. She'd only intended to get him a date. Which technically she'd succeeded. Albeit in a horribly unplanned way.

"Goddammit," she said again into the pillow.

She'd accidentally just agreed to a date with the Goblin King.


End file.
